Ten. Three. Nineteen.

This is from my journal on October 3, 2019, my first journal entry in my new journal that I bought on clearance from Target. I started writing in a journal as a way to hopefully help me get clarity on a lot of things. I know I'm not 100% sure on what my purpose is in life, but I know where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be because things have NOT been easy and have left my feelings in a tumultuous mess. Journaling has been cathartic release for me. Typically I find solace in either sewing, crocheting, or knitting, but none of those things can help put my thoughts in order so that I can sort through them. With journaling I can  go back and read what I've written and really think about the things that have flowed forth from my pen. If you've never journaled before, I encourage you to do so. I try to spend at least 30 minutes of just writing whatever comes to mind, it doesn't matter what it is. I don't usually sit and think about what I'm going to write, I just sit down and start with whatever thoughts were coursing through my mind at that given moment. I'm always surprised with how quickly the time goes by, but I feel immeasurably relieved once I put my pen down. I'm typing these journals just as I have written them, so I'm not overly concerned about the grammatical errors you are certain to find. This is all raw and unedited, just as you would expect to find in someone's journal if you were to pick it up and read it. I'm not worried about your opinions, as I'm sure you form if you choose to continue to read. I'm sure if I were to read your journal, I won't find any eloquently written statements or perfectly flawless paragraphs, and if I were to see these things then I would say bravo to you. However, I'm fairly certain that most people aren't worried about these things as they put pen to paper when they unleash the thoughts that have been burdening their mind. So, in short, be kind because I don't think you'd dare to put your journal out for any and everyone to read, and if you do dare, then let me know because I would like to read it. 😜

10.3.19

My spirit is not broken, but its boundaries are being pushed. All the inadequacies that I feel are being brought to light in this season of life. I've stepped into a position solely put in my path by my heavenly father. He reached out and I took hold of his hand never questioning his judgement about my abilities to fulfill this role. It's placed me outside of my comfort zone, the zone where I know what I'm doing and I feel safe doing it because my confidence has flourished in this space. But I've traded my comfort for the unknown, the uncharted territory that I've looked at from afar and wondered what it would be like if I stepped over that boundary line. And here I am, immersed in these new waters treading as best as I can when the waves of uncertainty and fear come crashing down on me, only to come back up to the surface as another wave of questioning and thoughts about others opinions pushes me back down again. I haven't been left for the undertow to take me under and my resolve has not fully dissipated. I know that I have many shortcomings and many flaws, and these will be painfully clear to me when I step out as I have done. I'm not naturally gifted in the art of public speaking. I would prefer to remain in the backlit corners of the room as an observer rather than to be the one being observed. I know that growth comes from moments of adversity and in moments of great discomfort. Growth is not meant to be easy; it's not meant to be glamorous, but the end result is always a thing of beauty to behold if you've watched the process go from a seed to a majestic flower, especially if it had to grow through the thornbushes that wish to snare it  choke the life from it. Refinement is a process, but does it ever truly end? A diamond may be cut so in  such a way that it will sparkle with even the slightest hint of light, but even when the cutting process is complete, it is not exempt from needing to be cleaned on occasion. God can take what seems like absolutely nothing and transform it into the most beautiful thing your eyes will could ever behold. He takes our flaws and our weaknesses and chisels away at us. He makes us rely on him to turn us into a masterpiece. He never said that what I am doing would ever be easy, but he did say that if I will trust him then he can use those weaknesses to bring him glory. So even though I sit here feeling like a failure today, I will only truly be a failure if I quit and tell God that he must be crazy and to find someone else. What I might see as a failure, someone else might see as a bravery. What I might see as a disaster, someone else might see it as the beginning of growth. I can only take life one day at a time, just as I can only take this season one day at a time. I may be uncomfortable now, but when I look back at how far I've come I'll count every uncomfortable moment as the stepping stones to my success.

                                                                                                                                                                  

Have a great day, suhsnine 🌞 

hugs,

 

Jor