Flash Back Friday: Chapter 3
It was just a normal Friday morning. I got up like I always did to get ready for school, and then once I got on the school bus with my sister, I took my usual morning nap until we were dropped off by our bus driver. My first block computer class went as it typically did, a plethora of things to type up in order to increase our typing word per minute speed. When the bell sounded for break, I grabbed my backpack and headed to the habitual hangout spot in the atrium. All the expected people were there of course, all perfectly normal as it customarily was. When the bell signaled the end of break, we all said our goodbyes. Steven, Stinky, and I were the last three left of the group in the atrium that day. Everyone usually gave the "bro" hug to each other as we left for second block. You know, the one where you grab right hands and pull yourselves together in order to give each other a hug or a pat on the back? Well, Steven and I did that, except this time instead of releasing hands right away, they stayed connected. And they stayed connected as we walked away from each other, only letting go when our hands were pulled apart naturally by the distance that was being created as we walked in opposite directions. In my mind it all happened slowly. My right hand tingled and burned as if I had just touched an electric current, my mind screaming, and my heart beat wildly. Our eyes were locked the entire time, just as our hands were, and with reluctance I turned away and headed out the door to catch up with Stinky because she had already started for our Math class. My mind finally caught back up with me as I jogged quickly to her and we fell in step with each other. I grabbed her arm and said, "I think I really like him." It was the first time I had admitted it out loud and even admitted it to myself. She wasn't really sure who I was talking about, and when she asked me who it was, I just said "Steven." Squealing and giggling together, we finished our short walk to our math class and I was in a daze the rest of the class period which wasn't good for me because math was the only subject I really struggled with.
The only problem with me liking Steven was that he was currently unavailable. He had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who he used to blow us off for on the weekends when the team hung out together. They went to church together, and she was really, really pretty. I didn't know much more about her other than her name was Ansleigh, her family really liked the Georgia Bulldogs, and they were season ticket holders. I was used to liking guys but never getting any reciprocating feelings, so I expected nothing to come out of this new revelation of feelings. I had finally moved on from my previous crush, and I was moving on to a new one--one that would, in my mind, never amount to anything. I wasn't the girl who was being sought after by all the guys, clearly, because my last crush never even noticed me. I never had a real boyfriend before. Sure, there were the elementary "boyfriends," but those don't really mean anything. I was used to basically being invisible to the male population. I wasn't a "girly girl." I didn't wear dresses often; I didn't fuss about my hair; I wore blue mascara as my makeup; and on any given day you could find me wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and my favorite converse shoes. I was scrawny with no shape and I definitely wasn't going to stand out in a crowd of a bunch of other girls who had more assets than I did. Even though I liked Steven, I wasn't going to do anything about it. It wouldn't be right to tell him I had feelings for him because he was already committed to someone else. As crushing of a thought as it was, I decided to just keep my feeling for him to myself and to Stinky. I wasn't the kind of girl to go after a guy I knew already had a girlfriend, partly because I knew it wasn't right, but also partly because I wouldn't want another girl to go after my boyfriend.
There was a home football game that evening, but I didn't go. I didn't have a reason to and I wasn't really into sports anyway. Most people I knew were at the game, but I still sat down at the computer that evening to see who I could catch on AIM. My heart leapt when I saw Steven's screen name appear on my friend's list. He was online, and he was pretty much the only one online. We started chatting as we always do and I told him I thought he would be at the football game with everyone else. He said that he and Tim weren't allowed to be out late the night before a race, so they were at home and he was getting ready to go to bed. When the conversation began to slow I let my curiosity got the best of me. I asked him how he and Ansleigh were doing because I hadn't really heard much about her lately. He said he didn't really know how they were doing because there was a bit of a problem. I started typing up a response to ask what happened, but before I could finish he had already sent two more messages to me. He said that he liked someone else, and that that someone was me. Now, I don't really know what it feels like to be hit by a ton of bricks, but I felt like I knew in that moment. I almost fell out of my chair and I couldn't breathe. Hadn't I just admitted to myself that day that I liked this guy, and here he is, hours later, confessing the same thing to me? It had to be a dream because there was absolutely no way this could actually be happening. I can't remember everything I said to him, but once I came back to reality I said he had a girlfriend and he shouldn't be saying these things to me. But his response was slowed and unexpected. He said he no longer had a girlfriend because he just got off the phone with her and he told her it just wasn't working out.
He called and broke up with his girlfriend over the phone. On the spot, he called her and broke up with her. HOMEWRECKER. Panic ensued within me. I caused the breakup of these two people, and I was absolutely mortified by it. It was what I was trying to avoid doing in the first place, which is why I had decided to keep my feelings to myself. He told me that it wasn't my fault and that it really wasn't going to work out anyway. She lived in Athens and they didn't really see each other apart from when they were at church. I was only somewhat relieved at this response, but I still felt a little guilty for letting my curiosity getting the best of me and even bringing the girl up to begin with. But, what was done was done, and now the guy I liked was newly single, and I had no idea what would happen next. We talked for a little while longer but I can't even remember now what it was about. I know we eventually ended the conversation for the night because we both had to be up early the next morning for the Last Chance Cross Country Invitational. I wasn't sure how the next morning was going to go when I saw him, but I figured that I'd just have to wait until the next morning to find out.
I don't remember much about that next morning. I was probably pretty awkward as we loaded up the bus to head to Carrollton, Ga and undoubtedly I took a nap on the way there because I clearly sleep pretty well on a bus. Once the meet was over, I decided to pluck up my courage and go talk to Steven to address what happened the night before. I wasn't sure if he'd still like me or if I really was living a dream...I mean, a lot can happen over night, right? Well, it wasn't a dream and he did still like me. We decided to take it really slow, and to just continue to be friends and get to know each other. His dad was thinking about moving him and his brother to a different school and he told me that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to start a relationship if he wasn't going to be around to see me much. It made sense to me, especially since he just broke up with a girl whom he barely saw, and I didn't want to break up before we even started dating. We became really good friends and we talked on the phone pretty much every night, in fact we usually went to sleep while we were still on the phone (don't worry mom, he had Verizon too so it didn't cost you anything extra, otherwise you probably would have eaten me for dinner if you saw a crazy high phone bill).
October moved into November and we were still talking as friends and hanging out as friends with other people. At this point people began wondering when we'd actually become a couple and many already assumed that we were. We weren't in any rush, and we were still waiting to see if he'd still be at our school next year or not. Cross country season was nearing the end and I made it to my first State Championship meet as an individual. I was excited about it, which is pretty funny to think about since I really didn't even want to run in the first place, and here I was extending my season. Steven was really upset about how his race went that day, and I caught my first glimpse of how truly passionate he was about running. He wanted nothing to do with me after that race, and I was a little hurt that he didn't want to talk to me, after all I really wanted to share my excitement with him about making it to state. He apologized for it later and then all he could talk about was some Footlocker race that he and Tim were going to be racing in around Thanksgiving. He tried to get me to run in it too because "it's a really fast course and all the good runners do it" but I wasn't about that life, and I didn't want to be coached by his dad (sorry, Mark...bahhahahahaha). The state meet came and went, and so did Footlocker, and Steven came over that evening to watch a movie at my house, although I couldn't tell you now what the movie was...maybe Braveheart? It started getting late and Steven had to make it home before curfew so I walked him out to his car to say thank you and good night. I was probably so awkward walking him out there because it was the first time he had ever come over before. Up until this point, we were always hanging out with a group of people so I wasn't sure what to do. We stood out there in the silence for a while, and I'm 99% sure I stood there and stared at the ground or my feet the entire time. But then he asked me to look at him and he kissed me. I about died. Apart from our spin-the-bottle peck, I had never been kissed before. I was shocked, stunned, dizzy, all the emotions you could possibly feel all at once. It's a memory that makes me belly-laugh because if you've ever heard me tell this story in person, you'd understand why. I crack jokes at Steven all the time with "Look at me" because of the way he said it to me, but it's all in love, I promise. I remember all the butterflies that were floating around in my stomach at that time, and when he got in the car and drove away I immediately went inside and flopped down on my bed and just stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before I went to sleep for the night.
Despite what you may think, this wasn't the evening we officially became a couple. It wouldn't be until the following month when we finally became an item, and man did that guy drag it out. But that's another story for another day.
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| My Giggling Parter-in-Crime, Stinky. |
The only problem with me liking Steven was that he was currently unavailable. He had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who he used to blow us off for on the weekends when the team hung out together. They went to church together, and she was really, really pretty. I didn't know much more about her other than her name was Ansleigh, her family really liked the Georgia Bulldogs, and they were season ticket holders. I was used to liking guys but never getting any reciprocating feelings, so I expected nothing to come out of this new revelation of feelings. I had finally moved on from my previous crush, and I was moving on to a new one--one that would, in my mind, never amount to anything. I wasn't the girl who was being sought after by all the guys, clearly, because my last crush never even noticed me. I never had a real boyfriend before. Sure, there were the elementary "boyfriends," but those don't really mean anything. I was used to basically being invisible to the male population. I wasn't a "girly girl." I didn't wear dresses often; I didn't fuss about my hair; I wore blue mascara as my makeup; and on any given day you could find me wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and my favorite converse shoes. I was scrawny with no shape and I definitely wasn't going to stand out in a crowd of a bunch of other girls who had more assets than I did. Even though I liked Steven, I wasn't going to do anything about it. It wouldn't be right to tell him I had feelings for him because he was already committed to someone else. As crushing of a thought as it was, I decided to just keep my feeling for him to myself and to Stinky. I wasn't the kind of girl to go after a guy I knew already had a girlfriend, partly because I knew it wasn't right, but also partly because I wouldn't want another girl to go after my boyfriend.
There was a home football game that evening, but I didn't go. I didn't have a reason to and I wasn't really into sports anyway. Most people I knew were at the game, but I still sat down at the computer that evening to see who I could catch on AIM. My heart leapt when I saw Steven's screen name appear on my friend's list. He was online, and he was pretty much the only one online. We started chatting as we always do and I told him I thought he would be at the football game with everyone else. He said that he and Tim weren't allowed to be out late the night before a race, so they were at home and he was getting ready to go to bed. When the conversation began to slow I let my curiosity got the best of me. I asked him how he and Ansleigh were doing because I hadn't really heard much about her lately. He said he didn't really know how they were doing because there was a bit of a problem. I started typing up a response to ask what happened, but before I could finish he had already sent two more messages to me. He said that he liked someone else, and that that someone was me. Now, I don't really know what it feels like to be hit by a ton of bricks, but I felt like I knew in that moment. I almost fell out of my chair and I couldn't breathe. Hadn't I just admitted to myself that day that I liked this guy, and here he is, hours later, confessing the same thing to me? It had to be a dream because there was absolutely no way this could actually be happening. I can't remember everything I said to him, but once I came back to reality I said he had a girlfriend and he shouldn't be saying these things to me. But his response was slowed and unexpected. He said he no longer had a girlfriend because he just got off the phone with her and he told her it just wasn't working out.
He called and broke up with his girlfriend over the phone. On the spot, he called her and broke up with her. HOMEWRECKER. Panic ensued within me. I caused the breakup of these two people, and I was absolutely mortified by it. It was what I was trying to avoid doing in the first place, which is why I had decided to keep my feelings to myself. He told me that it wasn't my fault and that it really wasn't going to work out anyway. She lived in Athens and they didn't really see each other apart from when they were at church. I was only somewhat relieved at this response, but I still felt a little guilty for letting my curiosity getting the best of me and even bringing the girl up to begin with. But, what was done was done, and now the guy I liked was newly single, and I had no idea what would happen next. We talked for a little while longer but I can't even remember now what it was about. I know we eventually ended the conversation for the night because we both had to be up early the next morning for the Last Chance Cross Country Invitational. I wasn't sure how the next morning was going to go when I saw him, but I figured that I'd just have to wait until the next morning to find out.
I don't remember much about that next morning. I was probably pretty awkward as we loaded up the bus to head to Carrollton, Ga and undoubtedly I took a nap on the way there because I clearly sleep pretty well on a bus. Once the meet was over, I decided to pluck up my courage and go talk to Steven to address what happened the night before. I wasn't sure if he'd still like me or if I really was living a dream...I mean, a lot can happen over night, right? Well, it wasn't a dream and he did still like me. We decided to take it really slow, and to just continue to be friends and get to know each other. His dad was thinking about moving him and his brother to a different school and he told me that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to start a relationship if he wasn't going to be around to see me much. It made sense to me, especially since he just broke up with a girl whom he barely saw, and I didn't want to break up before we even started dating. We became really good friends and we talked on the phone pretty much every night, in fact we usually went to sleep while we were still on the phone (don't worry mom, he had Verizon too so it didn't cost you anything extra, otherwise you probably would have eaten me for dinner if you saw a crazy high phone bill).
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| Warming up at State |
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| Standing on the starting line, absolutely terrified |
Despite what you may think, this wasn't the evening we officially became a couple. It wouldn't be until the following month when we finally became an item, and man did that guy drag it out. But that's another story for another day.
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